When She Went Away

The hug was supposed to last for a very long time. I had no idea till when. I had dreaded this moment and it was here. No amount of anticipating what it would feel like had helped because it was just not what it was. My yet-to-be 18-year-old daughter was on her way to college all the way to the United States. It was her dream to secure a good scholarship and be able to study there. She had worked hard for it, and she deserved to go.

But deep down my heart was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was the first time in 17 years that she was going for such a long time. We had instances in these 17 years where she had been away, or I had been away but it was not the same. THIS was a life-changing event and we knew that it was not ever going back to what it was, albeit in a beautiful kind of way!

She peeled off from that hug and entered the airport with her father. I can never forget that visual, the way she kept looking back to say bye. I came back home to an empty house. I was to travel the same evening back to India and had a good 8 hours before I headed to the airport too. Those 8 hours were intense. I never thought I was capable of crying and bawling so loudly. It was not just the feeling that she had left. It was the feeling of how she would cope, how would I cope and how would life turn out to be after this because no matter what I did, my primary focus was always her.

We continued to chat and video-call till she boarded but after that there was silence and I was alone. I tried music, reading, and TV but none of it worked. I could hear my husband’s words telling me that if I did not stop, I would fall ill and that would be worse.

What was even worse is that I never thought I should reach out to friends who could help me talk or even support me. I thought I would be crazy to call people up and worry them. 

Soon enough, the emptiness got the better of me and I decided to leave for my flight hours before it was required. I felt instantly at ease at the airport. Somehow when I see people travel, I feel excited about the whole concept. I made myself comfortable in the lounge and decided to just watch people. I saw so many – the mother struggling to keep her two toddlers in check, a working professional busy on the phone and his laptop, an elderly couple looking at the time repeatedly, a young lad with his guitar, the flight attendants impeccably dressed, the manager keeping his calm with demanding customers, the chef doling out dishes, the honeymooners, the pregnant couple and the solo traveler. The last one caught my attention.

Was I not a solo traveler? I asked myself what was it that was making me feel so comfortable around strangers trying to get from one place to the other. Was it the stories they each had of their own? The more I thought about it, the more I realised that the answer to this is only one – I had to find out on my own. In that instant, I felt relieved in many ways. Here was an opportunity that was presenting itself. After years of parenting hands-on and knowing that parenting never ends, I was now free in a way to decide and align some of the things that I had wanted to do. There was always something I put it away because I wanted to be a mother or had other family responsibilities to look after. The newfound independence was not just for my daughter but also for me! The flexibility, the randomness of doing what I wanted without a clock and being able to look at some of my old put-away goals back on track suddenly resurfaced.

I automatically opened my phone and listed all the random things that I had always wanted to do. I was surprised that I was using my work technique of a Coach on myself and it was working beautifully. Soon enough, I had a long list and then I picked two things which I thought I could do in the next two months. With a lot of planning that included budgeting, coordinating, deciding and coupling it up with meeting old friends – I did those!

After 3 months of travelling, now that I am back home, I can easily say that it has been one of the best decisions I took – Travelling with a bucket list!

While my daughter is on her path to finding herself and discovering her identity, I am doing the same as her. Her going away has helped me to be closer to who I am at the core – not just her mother or not just anyone defined by the relationships I have with others. This is my time to learn more about ME!

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